Sunday, April 1, 2012

Video Games

I forgot how fun they are. I just hope I don't wake up Elan or Cam while I'm in here playing the Xbox...

Shhhhhhh! ^____^


So this morning I woke up late to find Elan practically ON TOP of me, kissing me like crazy. He apparently got the email I sent him last night while he was asleep about how much I care about him and well. That was the result. <3 Then I got up and took a shower because apparently it isn't appropriate to stay in bed so late. I've forgotten all of these rules that are apparently meant to keep people in check or something and it bothers me. It hasn't been that long has it I mean c'mon.

But anyway, I got out of the shower a...little while later than expected...for...reasons we shall keep private dressed, and was on my way to eat lunch 'cause Cam baked a lot and ohmigaaaaawd she is a good cook. But on my way there, I kinda...sorta...I bumped into a lot.  I...guess I didn't think about this until now but...I used to wear glasses until they broke while I was on the run at some point.  So although I've trained myself to look out for Slenderman quite well out in the open, I'm terrible about seeing what is right in front of me and this ended up culminating in my shin banging into a coffee table very hard. There was a loud crack in fact.


But Elan came running in and he wanted to know what had happened because he's always fretting over me since I got here thinking I'll hurt myself or do something to get myself into trouble, which apparently he is right about.  He came in as I was holding my shin and on the floor and immediately did what he does best; he scooped me up and asked me what was wrong and made me feel better.  God I love that man so much......

ANYWAY. He asked me,

"Didn't you notice the coffee table, sweetheart? It's pretty obvious..."

 And of course that just made me feel like such an idiot because OF COURSE now that I've banged my shin into it it is INCREDIBLY obvious and I wonder why I didn't notice it in the first place.

"N-no, I guess...I guess I didn't see it because my eyesight is bad and I wasn't watching where I was going very well and I am not used to this apartment and and and please don't think I'm a moron!"

 I'm an ass. >////////////< 

"I don't think you're a moron, Shan, I just didn't know your eyesight is so bad... Do you need glasses or contacts or...something...?"


"Where are your glasses then?"  

And I had to answer him even though I just felt like such a fool...

"They um. They broke. A while ago, wh-while I was on the run." 

And he just shook his head and smiled that little smile he smiles and looked at me.

"Well then we're going to get you some new glasses tomorrow, first thing in the morning."

I can't believe this guy! He hasn't had me in his house a week and he's already spoiling me, guys! He's going to buy me glasses, which are damn expensive you know! I told him as much, I told him,

"No Elan, no! I coul-couldn't ask you to do something like that for've already been sweet enough hon." 

And he just laughed. If human beings can mentally  and emotionally melt, that was what I did right there.

"Don't worry about the price tag, you pick out whatever you want and I'll buy it for you. Nothing is too expensive for my dearest." 

And FFS how could I resist him? I couldn't that's how so I ended up agreeing to his demand that I get new glasses and we're going to get them tomorrow and he's going to take me out to dinner again afterwards and I am the luckiest girl. Just. Just um. I...don't know what else to say.  This little trip to Elan's has turned out so well, I don't want to go back on the run again once Slenderp shows up...the idea scares the hell outta me but if things go south I might have to go...I can't risk the man I love getting hurt or worse.....

I guess the point is I should stay happy and listen to what Elan says about positive thinking. He's incredibly smart and watching him work is almost as fascinating as watching him do anything is sexy. :P He makes me feel safe and that is all that matters right now. Although apparently I still can't adjust to regular people sleeping patterns, because I'm typing this at 3:30 in the morning and I only went to bed just 3 hours ago. Wtf. I'm too used to park benches for this normal bed stuff! D:

Oh well. Nocturnal I shall be! Maybe I should use this time to explore the apartment and think about some testing in the future...I need to get back to work on my experiments.

Peace and Love,

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Failed Experiments / Proxy Attacks / Where I Belong

This would ordinarily be the post where I talk about my latest experiment and report back to you guys with the my latest findings but um. Well.

I never finished it. I know that sounds horrible, but I think once you hear the equally horrible explanation of what I went through that caused the experiment to fail, you'll understand a little better I hope. If not then screw you okay I'm a girl with a hectic life. I got halfway through my experiment and I do have notes from that, so I suppose I'll begin my story with that. But DUNJUDGE. >:C

I decided to act on some of my pondering related to 'Dream Theory'(which is another post in itself now, thank you very much) and experiment with lucid dreaming. I wanted to see if I could...if I could summon him, honestly, while in a state of lucid dreaming or even possibly sleep paralysis. The latter would probably be much more dangerous I'd imagine however, since it's essentially the opposite of lucid dreaming except for how vivid and aware you feel during. It would be very bad to have him around and NOT be able to move or function at all...I imagine that is what being a Proxy must be like. Ick...

The first step in my plan was to wait it out for a few days and stop moving from place to place. I rented a hotel room, oh...August 8th, I think? And proceeded to stay there for about three days and three nights. This of course was to draw him to me as soon as possible during the Lucid Dream. I wanted to be able to have him there and see how his presence affected the dream or how the dream affected his presence, whichever.   On the third night, I initiated step two of my plan, which was the Lucid Dream itself. (Note: I've induced Lucid Dreaming before and know how, generally, but for different reasons back then. >.>)

My results were...unexpected, to say the least.  I floated through what seemed like a very...full...void if that makes any sense, for quite a while.  Despite the emptiness there was the distinct sense that something was all around me, something both wonderful and terrifying and complete all at once.  It was like an entire universe was swimming around me, I just couldn't see it.  I took action.  I spoke my phrase(which shall remain private btw) and activated the Lucid Dreaming, and whoafuck were my results unintended.

First of all, I ended up in a weird room surrounded by people who I couldn't quite see.  There were Operator symbols drawn all over the walls, something which I now knew was my own doing prior to the activation of my Lucid Dream. Words and names floated around and I could just barely make them out...'Elan...Shannon...Davia...Ian...Shaun...Elaine...Nikki...' things like that. It was very, very strange but I was /aware/ of the entire experience in the way a Lucid Dream works.

I chose to walk through the room a little longer, examining the place, trying to see the mysterious people there with me,(which I failed to do, strangely enough) and peering into all of the rooms. I also materialized myself a drink to see that I really was Lucid Dreaming.  I didn't even know such yummy cocktails existed! x3  There was still no sign of Slenderman, however, and I began to really worry my plan had failed.

Then I heard it.  This sort of creaking, yawning sound, like the ground was slowly tearing apart.  A chasm opened up just to my right, and I decided to fly above it to see if I could get a better view at what was causing all of this.  For a Lucid Dream, everything was surprisingly beyond my control aside from my own actions. There was a distinct hissing sound coming from inside the chasm below, and I peered down to get a closer look, and heard whispering.  Strange, inhuman whispering coming from all around me.

I...I think a face shot out of the chasm but I can't be sure.  I remember seeing dark, empty eye sockets and a whirlwind of dust or something like dust and and um. Well, I heard the face speak.  It screamed "Leave it alone!" just before the dream ended.

And I woke up to find Proxies standing all around me, whispering and muttering about what to do next.  Most of them jumped back when I sat up stiff and straight in my bed, trying to get my bearings, but their defacto leader was apparently not frightened.  He stood there staring at me, I guess in an impersonation of his tall 'Master', and just tilted his head to the side.  I'm sure I was quite a sight, comically disheveled and only wearing my too-big shirt for sleep...but even considering this what happened next is soooo weird and gross. D:

I knew I couldn't get to my knife in the time it would take this guy to attack me, which he was obviously going to be the one to do.  The other Proxies just stared in dumb-founded wonder and confusion, not really sure what to do without anyone giving them orders I guess.  So I...I had to think fast. Had to act fast. And at the time I was lying in bed and only had a shirt and there was an angry proxy glaring at me and well I mean I guess I think this was my only option or at least I'll tell myself that to make myself feel less icky.


I reached over and grabbed at the Proxy Leader's collar, and dragged him into the best kiss I could possibly muster under the circumstances.  He kind of struggled until he realized what was going on and then he...ohgoditssogrossewww he...he got into it.  He started kissing me back and I pulled him onto the bed with me, and while I was doing all that I discreetly reached for my knife on the end-table beside my bed.  He kept grinding up against me and I did my best to keep up the game while I fumbled around with my other hand.

I...I did not know Proxies still had urges like this.  It is an interesting revelation, even if I had to find out in the most DISGUSTING WAY POSSIBLE.

After that gross-fest I managed to grab my knife.  I whirled my arm up and over his back and stabbed him like, three times, in the shoulder-blade.  He collapsed and rolled off of me and off of the bed, and I was relieved to have him do so.  I sprung up from the bed with my knife and stared at all of the other Proxies, who chose this moment of all the moments to react and start drawing their own weapons. And that's another thing.  if they were all around me while I was asleep and my knife was on the FRIGGIN' END-TABLE RIGHT THERE IN THE OPEN LIKE MY GOD why didn't they just take it?! Not to give them battle strategy's but disarming a teenage girl is a pretty good way to leave her helpless.

Anyway, um. There were only three more of them after their leader was down,(who went down like a total bitch I mean come on three knife wounds to the shoulder isn't enough) so I had to get out of there somehow and it ended up being a very bloody brawl.  I had a black eye for a couple of days and a lot of bruises and cuts from where they nicked me, but I made it out alive and they...well, they got out of it very VERY banged up, I hope.  Apparently the Proxies are stepping up their game or something for some reason some how and I don't really wnt to think about why right now becauuuuuuuuuse

I am writing this from a nice, warm bed in a nice, air-conditioned apartment with a handsome, amazing man who is taking care of me and his pseudo-sister and oh god I couldn't be happier. I'm with Elan if you couldn't already tell and it is the most amazing thing.  We met up by a lake and it was just how I always pictured it and more.  He even took me to dinner at an Italian restaurant because I told him how much I looooove love love Italian food(I really, really do.) It was magical.

I'd talk more about it but the details are somewhat personal and Cam made delicious breakfast and APPARENTLY, according to Elan, 'normal people' get out of bed for that sort of thing or something I guess. I don't really remember or get it or care.  I'm just listening to whatever the Professor tells me because he is the sweetest, most awesome thing in the universe and I can't resist him. <3 ILU SWEETHEART.

Peace and (lots of) Love,

Soundtrack Post 3: The Joplin Spider

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Oh God I haven't updated so sorry so sorry

Life as a Runner keeps me from posting a lot of the time, but I am so sorry for not updating you guys all the same. I've got an experiment in the works that is pretty kooky...and no it's not the one I emailed you about Elan so don't worry your pretty little Professor head about that I promise this one will be SLIGHTLY less dangerous and insane. I'm pulling it off on the run so it's low-key.

~Peace and Love,

Saturday, March 17, 2012


...I had just turned nineteen when I started seeing him. I heard about him online, back when he was just creepy pictures on Something Awful and Marble Hornets hadn't even started yet.  I was big into Something Awful. I was big into a lot of things back then. Eventually Marble Hornets did show up, and it became one of my absolute FAVORITE time-wasters for a while.

I never thought I'd end up fucking posting about him myself, I never thought I'd be finding out we'd fucking somehow brought him to FUCKING life through our fear and our paranoia and our FUCKING STORIES.

...I could not believe it when I first saw him  there, standing just outside of the department store where I worked. I just could not. I was working that day and I looked outside the front door, and like, I saw this tall swaying figure standing in the parking lot. It couldn't be him, because he's not real, and he's not going to come for me of all people, and for shit's sakes how can any human being be that damn tall it HAS to be him. ...but it couldn't be.

I was a stupid, naive, foolish little girl and I fucking hate myself for it so much like you don't even know.

Until he was literally in my bedroom, he was staring me right in the fucking face and there were no other options but RUN and save everyone I know and love or die freezing cold and alone just sitting there while everyone around me suffered for my mistake and I'm so scared of real interaction the idea that it could happen again terrifies me.

No, I couldn't let that happen, so I pack up and's been a year. I still can't comprehend the Slenderman fully. Every single time I see him I get that little voice in the back of my head saying 'it's just your imagination' and I wonder if it is. Maybe that's what we have as an advantage over him though. Maybe...just maybe that little warning in the back of our head is some kind of...reminder that he's there and he's not of our world, somehow. It helps us get away from him. Helps us see and know when he's there, 'cause I honestly believe that knowledge and understanding are out best weapons against him.

I just wish I could have my fucking life back goddammit. I know this post isn't useful or experiment oriented or anything like that but I just felt rant-y and really needed to get this out because like right now I'm sitting derping around on a fucking rooftop, and ALL I can bring myself to do is read blogs from other people who are being followed or watch videos from people who are being followed or look at pictures of him on Google and jeebus I have no idea why. I can't bring myself to do anything else. I just want to get to Austin, TX, so I can be with Elan and Cam and maybe play video games or watch movies or do whatever normal people are supposed to do.

Maybe then I can stop thinking about this horrible fucking situation I'm in for just a little while.

Peace and Love,